Professor Picklesmooch was determined to succeed in a world that had gone mad with Political Correctness, Liberal Progressiveness, and Moral Insanity. Picklesmooch was quite the social climber. He was right in the middle of things parroting all of the successful people, regurgitating all the correct shibboleths, holding all the correct positions, sneering at all the right people to be sneered at and gracing all of the worthy buttocks with his lips. He needed to carve out his niche in a contrarian world that wanted to believe that everything good was bad and everything bad was good and evil was justifiable if someone bad did it but good was not good if a good person did it. Once he had mastered this conundrum he came up with a plan that couldn’t fail.
Finally, the day came to make his move. “I am an expert on the cannibals of Papua New Guinea.”
“Ew, Gross!” People said, “That’s nasty!”
“I couldn’t disagree more, you are all being silly and close minded, you can’t judge others by our standards, try to be a modern scientific fellow like myself.” Professor Picklesmoosh responded strategically. “Who are we to make these moral judgments, what is morality? Where does it come from? Some imaginary flying spaghetti monster or some book full of myths? It is just another culture’s way of doing things, neither way is good or bad and neither is better.”
Many of the young millennials were impressed with his extreme liberal bias and his eagerness to accept the values of cultures from 3rd world countries. He had lots of young people buy his books and take his classes. He became famous and wealthy.
“Time to take things to the next level.” he thought to himself. One day he got invited on Jimmy Kimmel’s horribly unfunny television show and he was asked, “Have you ever eaten human meat?” to which Professor Picklesmooch responded, “Oh, yes, it is quite tasty if prepared correctly, it tastes like Pulled Pork, the natives call it Long Pig.”
The nation went wild, he was a sensation. Many of his students became obsessed with the idea of embracing the experience of tasting human flesh, they felt it would bring them closer to experiencing their primitive roots, and being more accepted by native cultures. “Who wants to volunteer to be eaten?” they asked amongst themselves. Nobody wanted to be eaten, so they decided since none of them had tasted human flesh the only fair thing to do would be to cook and eat the person who already had experienced that delicacy, that person being Professor Picklesmooch himself.
So they cooked him with some teriyaki sauce. They called the recipe “Professor Picklesmooch Pulled Pork with Papaya and Pineapple” and he was delicious. I am sure that the good Professor would have been quite proud of his students, and everybody agreed, he was indeed delicious.